i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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