listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
