last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
