I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
