I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
