Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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