when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
