none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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