Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
