You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
