i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
