Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
