apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
