Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
