nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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