Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
