just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
