bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
be right there i have to get my cape
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
