were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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