I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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