How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
