I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
