my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
