I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
