Taylor Swift is so right about you.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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