Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
