I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
3 2 1 whiskey
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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