She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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