my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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