Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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