I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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