I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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