Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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