My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
