If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
