I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
