Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
