They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
