I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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