hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
