You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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