The maid of honor just puked.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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