dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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