I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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