I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
