things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
