dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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