I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
