my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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