i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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