party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
